Journal of a Workout Procrastinator

June 21. This is the summer I finally whip my body into optimal shape. My goal is to average running 40 miles per week and then celebrate my summer of discipline by entering either the Adirondack Marathon or the Boulder Backroads Marathon on September 21. I would start running today but I don’t want to miss this afternoon’s Rachel Ray Show. Rach is hatching up a special summer recipe for Sloppy Joes.

June 22. Began running today. Stopped after one mile out of fear I had lacerated my spleen. Researched a running book when I returned home. Relieved to read a lacerated spleen is not a common running injury. Maybe it was just cramps.

June 23. Read this morning that a good workout schedule should include rest days. Hence, I’ll set aside the next six days for rest.

June 29. The needed rest revived my resolve. Had planned to run six miles today, but decided that in order to train properly I must dress properly. Went online and ordered running shorts. Must wait until the package arrives.

July 4. No mail due to national holiday, meaning another day of waiting for my running shorts to arrive. Very upset. I feel as if society is conspiring against me from running.

July 6. My navy blue running shorts finally arrived. There must be some mistake. These shorts only have a one-inch inseam. Instead of running shorts they look like bell-bottom Speedos.

July 10. Mailed back the “Speedo shorts” in exchange for shorts that won’t make it look as if I’m running in Hooters managerial wear. This means another substantial workout delay. Fortunately, however, I had already penciled in the next seven days for rest.

July 19. My longer running shorts finally arrived. Skipped running in order to break the shorts in by wearing them around the house.

July 21. I am now four weeks into my workout schedule and have so far jogged one mile. In order to meet my end of summer goal of running a minimum 480 miles, I will increase my training regimen to 60 miles per week.

August 2. To bolster motivation I rented Without Limits, a film about the life of long-distance runner Steve Prefontaine. Very inspiring. So inspiring I decided that in order to run like Prefontaine, I must look like Prefontaine. Hence, I ordered an Oregon Ducks T-shirt.

August 11. My Oregon T-shirt finally arrived. Returned to my running regimen feeling, at last, that I had the look of a true runner. But after consuming all six of my energy gel packets within the first mile, I turned back due to intestinal alarm.

August 18. Realized today that in order to be a runner, one must think like a runner. Henceforth, I’ll now refer to water as hydration.

August 19. Planned on running 12 miles today but stopped after two when I felt my lips getting chapped.

August 21. I’m leaning towards entering the Adirondack Marathon in upstate New York. The September fall foliage, especially around Schroon Lake, a large body of hydration, should be spectacular.

August 22. Just over two months into my regimen and I’ve covered a total of five miles. So far I’ve fallen somewhat short of my goal. Undaunted, I still feel I can reach the magical number of 480 miles if I run seven times a day. I am giddy with resolve.

August 31. Tried running to Daisy Fuentes’ favorite motivational workout tunes, which included Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack.” Big mistake. Instead of inspiring me to run, I felt a strange urge to shop for home accessories at Pottery Barn and sniff scented candles.

September 3. Read today that joining a running group is a great way to maintain workout motivation. I’d join one, but it seems all these groups ever do is run.

September 7. Planned on running 32 miles today, but got distracted when the Road Runner Sports fall catalog arrived in the mail. In an effort to maintain concentrated focus on my goal, I ordered $326 of running clothing and gear.

September 12. Only nine days until my end goal date. As I true sign of my commitment I recklessly ignored today’s planned rest day and ran three miles.

September 16. Since June 21 I have run a total of 19 miles, leaving me 461 miles short of my goal. I can still reach it l if I average running 92.2 miles over each of the next five days. My entire body is intoxicated with a keen sense of determination.

September 19. After missing the last three days of running I’ve concluded it’s humanly impossible, even for someone with my granite-chipped resolve, to run 461 miles over the next two days. Regrettably, I’ve decided to abandon my summer running goal. Instead, I’ve set sights on a fall goal of running 650 miles. I’d start today, but I already scheduled it as a day of rest.